As you can imagine, with Brett Favre coming to Minnesota, my job at KFAN radio has turned into a complete whirlwind. New storylines every day, countless radio interviews, scattered ESPN appearances (can’t complain about that), and a national focus on the Vikings.

Of course, because of this, my poker sessions have been shaved thin. In fact, they’ve been almost non-existent. And when I have played, I’ve been getting my ass kicked. And because I strictly play sngs, (mostly $50 turbos), a bad stretch can really take a toll on one’s bankroll (off the top of my head, I’ve probably only cashed in about 5 or 6 of my last 50 sngs… just awful).

It’s almost unrealistic how poorly I’ve run over the last couple weeks, but instead of boring you with the ridiculous 2-outers, I’ll just trust that most people know what I’m talking about.

And instead of sitting here pissing and moaning (which is what I REALLY want to do…), I’ve come up with a few bullet points of advice for myself and others in regards to running poorly on the felt:

1.) Always play within your bankroll… If you don’t, it’s impossible to withstand the worst of swings. Variance is VERY REAL in poker, and it WILL come back to bite you at some point.

2.) If you are consistently getting your money in good, but can’t seem to avoid running into bad beats, DON’T CHANGE YOUR GAME! Analyze carefully and honestly. Are you on tilt? Or are you just really unlucky?

3.) If you are unlucky, and if the deck keeps giving you the cold shoulder, make sure to keep a POSITIVE attitude. If you’ve played poker long enough, and if you are a winning player long-term, the luck will swing, as it always does. Keeping a positive attitude helps your overall well-being.

4.) Take breaks. Running poorly and losing money take a toll on other aspects of life, and it can seem as if things will never turn around. I recommend working out, going for a run, happy hour with friends, whatever.

5.) Listen to Huey Lewis and the News. If that doesn’t work, try Journey. One of those two bands is sure to pull you out of any poker funk.

I’m no Mike Caro. I don’t use physical tells very often, especially at the limit table, where players cannot bet more than $16-$30 on a single bet. People generally don’t sweat and cringe at the idea of losing $30, as they would at losing, say, $300. I do, however, use physical tells to break ties, and help make marginal decision-making easier.

Observing the way players maneuver their chips while in a hand is the most important physical tell I use at the limit hold’em table. A lot of times, players don’t even realize they’re doing it.

For example, I’m in the big blind at the 15-30 game. Three or four players fold as I notice the button look at his cards, and gather a stack of chips into his palm. Remember, the action is still four players away. Each of these four players, as it turns out, folds their hand. The button quickly raises. The small blind folds, and I look down at A-4 off suit.

Now, in a typical game, a button raise is always suspect, and an Ace high in the big blind may in fact be worth playing; however, in this scenario, the button player showed interest in his hand well before he was the last man standing, and it appears he was going to raise if other players had limped or not. If your button player is a somewhat reasonable person, and your read is in fact accurate, and Ace rag cannot be played. I folded.

Pre-flop is a great place to catch these tells in general. I like to play a little more slowly than some, just to see what will happen. Half the time players will act blatantly out of turn, and irritating as this can get, it does give you additional information. Again, it’s useful on the marginal decisions. Say you’re under the gun and look down at A-7 of clubs. This isn’t a great hand, but pause, take a moment to survey your opponents and see if you spot a man reaching for his chips in an aggressive motion. If so, fold your hand, as you don’t want to pay two bets for a hand out of position that probably isn’t good anyway.

Pre-flop chip action is different than post-flop chip action. Pre-flop, players are not trying to hide the strength of their hand, as they will be folding most of the time, and generally want to thin the field anyway. They reach for chips early. Post-flop, players try to act more coy, and as Mike Caro says, if they look weak, they’re probably strong.

Reading your opponents advantageously post-flop will look more like this:

You get heads up with a player who has called both your flop and turn bets. The river falls, completing a possible straight draw, and it’s on you to act. You have A-K, and the board now reads, A-6-7-2-10. You think for a moment, and notice your opponent grab his stack of chips, dangling them over the betting line, waiting for your action. Now, pre-flop, this really may signify strength. Here on the river, however, this is great news! If he had 8-9, the nuts, there is absolutely no way he makes this motion. What he wants the motion to signify is that he is strong, and that he is coming in with bets and/or raises. What it’s actually saying is, “Please don’t bet! I may call, but I really would rather see a free showdown!” Value bet that A-K all day!

Honestly, a lot of things irritate me at the poker table, and because I recently finished an especially annoying session, I thought it would be a good time to catalogue these irritations.

One may consider me a misanthrope anyway, but at the poker table, there should be some observed etiquette. Because our success, as poker players, hinges on taking other people’s money, the atmosphere is stressful to begin with, so the participants should be expected to act gentlemanly. Of course, this is rarely the case…

That said, these are the areas of particular annoyance to me:

Don’t try to talk to me, particularly when I’m wearing headphones.

What is it about a man wearing headphones that promotes inane discussion? If I’m wearing them, it means I’m going out of my way not to hear you, or your irritating chatter. Do not make me remove my earbud so you can ask me if I folded Jacks. I probably did, just shut up.

I couldn’t care less about your hand

I think it’s a problem of American men in general, but specifically poker players, to believe the world absolutely revolves around them. If I find myself in a rare conversation with a fellow poker player, discussing hands and situations, it is inevitable that a third party degenerate will pipe in with, “Yeah, my pocket nines have lost four times today.” Oh, did they? That’s interesting, because I don’t remember asking you or giving a crap. Keep it to yourself.

Don’t ever thank me

It is the peak of poor etiquette to offer a sarcastic “Thank you” to a player who helped you win a pot. I recently folded what would have been a chopped pot, answering an inquiry about what I had, revealing that half the chips that the gentleman to my left was stacking would have been mine, had I called the river bet. It happens, I wasn’t particularly concerned. But the winner of the pot looks to me and says, “Thanks for folding,” turning to the other players at the table for a response to what he thought was an absolutely hilarious jab. This is the same player who loves showing his bluffs to prove his superior poker skill. Please, just shut the hell up, sir.

I don’t want to hear your poor excuse for poker reasoning

Why is it that every awful rube at the table must explain why he made such a terrible play? I much prefer the gamblers who know they’re gamblers, and just want the action. The man who runs you down, hitting his only win on the river, that damn K of clubs, always has an excuse: “Well, I had Ace-King, how could I fold?” or, “I had outs,” or, “I had over-cards!” Please, sir, you are a bad player, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t veil your awfulness with “reasoning,” something us good card players actually use.

Don’t ever, ever, ever give me advice

You don’t hear the good poker players at the table handing out advice to all the schlubs. What is it about the awful players with a complete lack of understanding, that promotes sharing this “knowledge” with everybody else? You’re in for 8 racks, what the hell makes you think you can tell me how to play my hand? Yes, I folded A-K on the 6-7-8 flop, what a silly fold, right? I know you would have played it differently!
Side note: If I have to remove my headphones to hear your garbage advice, so help me God…

Act in turn!

I’m quiet at the table, and this seems to make it easier for players to my left to play their hands before I’ve acted. Mistakes happen, I understand. My frustration stems from the man who does it EVERY… SINGLE… HAND… And, lo and behold, it’s ALWAYS the same justification, “Oh, I didn’t see you had a hand.” No, sir, you didn’t look to see if I had a hand. Take some responsibility for your uselessness, sir. Observation is a very fundamental characteristic of a poker player. Oh, right, sorry… you’re not a poker player…

Well, there you have it. I suppose sitting in such close proximity to a bunch of strange sweaty men four nights a week will give rise to some irritations… obviously…

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